Underpants Gnomes
by Montik
Summary: And Kagome thought they were just a figment of her imagination...
1. Chapter 1

Sitting on the couch, watching TV. Ahh... It was nice to relax after a long day...

Wait.. there's something in the way. He tilted to the side trying to see around the sudden obstruction to his view. The damn thing moved in his way again.

Wait.. now he couldn't hear either. He turned the TV over the racket the obstruction was making. Then he sighed... there really was no way to just ignore this.

"What are you shouting about, woman?", Sesshoumaru asked in an exasperated tone.

"Don't you 'woman' me, Sesshoumaru!", Kagome shouted back, hand on her hips looking aboslutly livid. "You did it again! I don't know why you think you need to steal my underpants when we LIVE together! But you did it again!"

He frowned, "I did no such thing."

She gaped at him, "So how... just HOW? Did all my underwear dissapear from the dirty laundry AGAIN?!"

He got up from the couch deciding this needed to be dealt with. He breezed past the flustered Kagome and into the small laundry. He took a cursory sniff and nodded to himself. Just as he suspected.

"Underpants Gnomes", He stated vaguely before going back to indulge in a relaxing movie. He thought he was free too quickly.

"You expect me to believe that! Seriously? Underpants gnomes?"

He sighed and nodded, "They are quite illusive.. I suggest you keep all your underpants somewhere safe...", he tried to look around her to the TV again but was again thwarted. Damn she could be persistent.

"Prove to me there are REALLY Underpants Gnomes and maybe, just maybe, I won't take your bisquits away."

He stiffened at the threat. He rather liked his doggy biscuits.

"You didn't believe in youkai before you entered the Sengoku Jidai, and you were proven wrong. And now you refuse to believe me when I tell you there were underpants Gnomes in the laundry room?"

She nodded, "It's just too far-fetched."

He sighed, "Then I will watch over the laundry room tonight and prove to you it was not me, but the Underpants Gnomes who have stolen your underwear. Will that satisfy you?"

She smiled and nodded, "Yes." Then she plopped down on the couch and curled into his side to watch a movie with him.

ooo

Kagome curled into her down comforter for warmth with a sigh of happiness. Hopefully her underpants were safe. She didn't know if she should be worried there were really underpants gnomes or that Sesshoumaru was now all alone with most of her underwear. He said he needed 'gnome bait'... but she had her suspicions.


	2. Chapter 2

[They Framed Me]

Groggily rolling out of bed the next morning Kagome clambered through the house into the kitchen. Sighing happily as the smell of the coffee brewing invigorated her senses, she started to ponder where her husband could be. She had almost expected him to be waiting for her with his catch grinning like the Chesire cat when she woke up.

She poured herself a cup of coffee, then one for him, and started on her way to the laundry room. She expected she would have to sooth a bruised ego, since he hadn't caught an 'underpants gnome', which she still doubted even existed.

His fuzzy mind slowly began to register a funny tapping noise as he woke up. He ignored it though, he was laying on a bed of something very silky... sort of lumpy, but smooth, and it smelled like Kagome. He shifted to get more comfortable.

There was that annoying tapping noise again!

*tap tap tap*

*tap tap tap*

He tried to growl at the offending noise maker but found his mouth stuffed with something soft and cottoney. Spitting it out he opened fuzzy eyes to look around, and was met with the sight of a dainty foot: the culprit. He followed said dainty foot, which never stopped it's annoying tapping, up the irate face of his wife.

"huh?", he mumbled.

"'Gnome bait' Sesshoumaru?! I can't believe that I believed your 'underpants gnomes' story!", Kagome growled at him. Then... well she just couldn't resist the urge. "BAD DOG!", she shook her finger at him.

Quirking a silvery eyebrow at her in question, he tried to ignore the way her sudden outburst had made him jump a little. He took in his surroundings slowly as his mind cleared, ignoring her still scolding him. He was laying on a makeshift bed made solely of her underwear he had taken last night, and he spat a pair of her underwear out of his mouth just a moment ago.

With as much dignity as he would, he got up from the laundry room floor. He leaned his wobbly body against the wall and thought about what happened last night... he couldn't remember. So he gave her the best and most plausible excuse as to what happened.

"They framed me."

She gaped at him. "They framed you?! Just who framed you?! Sesshoumaru! Underpants Gnomes do not exist!", she growled in exasperation as he kept walking past her.

"Hush, I will catch one tonight for sure. I must go to the hardwear store for supplies. And I will bring back fresh bait"

Kagome sat staring at the now closed front door, wondering about her husband's sanity.


	3. Chapter 3

[Flypaper]

He had returned to the house hours ago. She watched him waltz into the laundry room without so much as a hello. He hadn't come out for lunch, or anything else for that matter. Kagome was almost positive she could have put bacon on a skillet and he wouldn't have come out... ALMOST. But he was still a dog and bacon worked wonders...

So now she was standing, leaning on the door frame outside the laundry room with a cup of tea in her hands, and she was watching. He had come home with flypaper of all things. Now he was over half way done meticulously covering every surface in the room with the adhesive paper...

"Is this really necessary?", she finally spoke up.

He looked up to glare at her.. and immediately regretted it. A neglected piece stuck to his hand, then to a long strand of hair... then to more hair. He growled as he tried to use his other hand to get the nasty paper off. He turned to growl when Kagome giggled at him from the doorway...

A few seconds later he was reduced to a whimpering tangled dog demon. Through some unexplainable series of events he ended up with the ultra sticky paper holding onto his knee and forehead as well, with a good chunk of his hair in the mix.

"Oh. You poor puppy...", Kagome cooed as she went to help him. The only way she could figure to get the paper of was to unceremoniously yank it, and so she did. With a loud yelp the paper let go and Kagome had a very disgruntled demon husband staring back at her. There was a bright red spot on his forehead where the paper had been stuck too and she couldn't help but giggle.

At his growl she scampered from the room, still giggleing, and left him to his booby-trapping. By nightfall he had the whole room covered, saved for the space on top of the washer and dryer for himself to stand watch from.

Long after the cover of night descended upon one flypaper covered laundry room dark shadows intruded upon the peace of the dog demon's house. Flitting through the shadows they approached the open door.

"Looks like he's trying to catch us again...", one stated.

An answering snicker came from behind him.

"He's changed his tactics.", another one chuckled.

"Oof! Who did that!", the little gnome squirmed only to realize he was stuck. His companions had a hearty laugh at his expense before one ran off to the kitchen. "ehh.. You guys gotta help me..", he whimpered.

They pulled his patch of paper off to the side when the leader returned from the kitchen. He began sprinkling a layer of flour in a path to the dryer. Climbing on top of one another they clambered up to the sleeping demon's platform.

A devious plan in the Underpants Gnomes' mind they maneuvered around him. Three behind him and one in front standing right in front of his nose. Why did he not smell them? They had a decoy...

The little gnome dangled the stolen pair of Kagome's underwear in front of Sesshoumaru's nose. His nose twitched and he scooted forward to try and catch the little cloth only to have it held further away.

Another scootch...

And another...

"Now!", the leader shouted. Sesshoumaru's eyes shot wide in surprise just as he was pushed from the edge of the appliances he had been teetering on. The puce green sticky paper covered floor came upon him to fast and he landed in an undignified heap.

Rolling around and growling while trying to escape only got him more tangled. Soon he was a mass of sticky paper bound inu, his eyes and mouth the only thing showing outside of a few tufts of hair. He was forced to watch asTiny gnomes ransacked the laundry room and stole all of his 'gnome bait' while singing...

Time to go to work,

Work all day,

We need underpants hey!

We won't stop until we have underpants!

Yum tum yummy tum tay!

Time to go to work,

Work all night,

Search for underpants yay!

We won't stop until we have underpants!

Yum tum yummy tum tay

Kagome crawled out of bed in the morning and went to check on her husband right away. She almost tripped over him in the doorway. "Oh no!", she gasped as she spied his whimpering form. She groaned and ran off to the office, she needed to figure out a way to get the glue off without taking off his hair... Damn Gnomes.. she'd have to get them now...

Thanks Kotainuchan Inu for the funny underpants gnome song! Thanks everyone for all the reviews and I always luv to have more!


	4. Chapter 4

[Pick Pockets]

It was nightfall again... Sesshoumaru's skin looked a little worse for the wear but it would heal in time. After lots of soaking, another trip to the hardware store, and 30 bottles of goo gone they were finally able to release him from his paper prison.

Now was time for retaliation.

Kagome stalked quietly across the floor, mascara smeared under her eyes like war paint (she really wanted to get into the mood) and the theme song to Mission Impossible playing in her head. They decided to go against elaborate plans this night, it was a simple corner and pounce. Kagome on one side of the laundry waiting and Sesshoumaru would close off the other exit when the gnomes arrived.

Sesshoumaru hid just a little ways from the door, shrouded in shadow. Thoughts of his retaliation against the little critters made a sadistic grin on his face.

He felt a small tug at his trousers and frowned. He tried to ignore it.. but there it was again!

Batting his hand at the air he mumbled, "Kagome, knock it off", he figured it was just her being playful.

Another insistent tug.. "Stop it", he hissed. Then there were more... dozens of tiny hands pulling and tugging, climbing on him. He let out a very feminine shriek.

Kagome jumped and ran into the kitchen when she heard repeated cries of, "OhMyGod!!! GETITOFF GETITOFF GETITOFF!!!" Flipping on the lights she saw Sesshoumaru jumping up and down wildly smacking at his pants as if trying to swat something away.

"uh...", she was stunned stupid.

Suddenly he pulled at his belt and checked inside his pants... "They took them!", he shouted.

Kagome eeped, covered here eyes, and turned around as he dropped his pants in surprise. "Took what?"

"My underpants!", He screeched.

"What?! How did they take them while they were on?!"

He whimpered, "I don't know..."

I own no part in Mission Impossible of Goo Gone (but damn the stuff works on everything!)

TY So much for the reviews! I posted this early because of the long wait on the last chapter, Sry!

R&R :D


	5. Chapter 5

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Fanart I did when Daapatemysoul left me a review. It was just so cute I had to draw it so here you go! (I can't upload images to the site right now, it's my ISP acting stupid not the site so I'll simply have to wait it out. ATT&T sux!)

Thank you so much everyone for you reviews and Dany for Betaing! On to the chapter ~~~

[Fortify My UnderPants Castle]

Kagome sat at the kitchen table, waiting for Sesshoumaru to join her. She called for him half an hour ago but he was nowhere to be seen. Well she knew he was somewhere in the house.. but he had taken to finding odd places to hide after his underpants were stolen the other night...

There was the classic cabinet under the sink...

Then she found him hiding under his desk checking emails on his laptop like it was a normal thing...

and he had glared at her for laughing when she caught him peeking out suspiciously from his hiding place behind the living room curtains...

So she got up to go look for him. Office, Bathroom, Guest room – nope, nuthin', and nada. Last place to check was the bedroom. She stopped in the door way and stared... Stalking around their bed like it might just come alive and jump at her she examined the pill box that was constructed around it. It was completely made of pillows!

Finding a small peep hole in the structure she leaned forward to look in. She ducked as the end of a straw shot from the inside of the structure and a small white object flew at her. Looking behind her she could now see the object firmly stuck to the bedroom mirror: a wet, slobbery, marshmallow.

Her hands fisted and her tiny frame shook in angry exasperation, "Sesshoumaru!" She gritted through clenched teeth.

Golden eyes peeked through the peephole from the confines of his pillow castle, "Yes?" He asked rather nonchalantly.

"What... are you _doing_?" She asked in the same clipped tone.

"Guarding the underpants," he replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Picking up one of the pillows making the roof of his little fort she spotted a pile of various colored crumpled cloths next to his scrunched up form and she realized he has every pair of their underwear left... _Dogs_... She thought. Not only did he have the bad habits of barking, chewing on shoes, and scratching behind his ears with his feet.. but now he stole things and hid them in the bed too.

"How about we put these in the safe in the closet, hmm?" She suggested as she patted his head like a good puppy, "then we use the bed for sleeping and not fort making?"

Thought he looked a bit put out that his hard work creating his fort would be null he took his horde of underpants and obediently placed them in the safe before going to retrieve his neglected dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

[Booby Trapped]

The booby traps lain, the underpants safe in the floor safe in the closet, and the dog-demon and his wife slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. There was no way those gnomes could maneuver past the series of pulleys, strings, flying whip-creamed pies, jingling bells, and strawberry syrup without making noise and alerting the dog to there presence. And thus allowing their capture, interrogation and the recovery of all pilfered panties over the past week.

Sesshoumaru was awoken from his dreams doggy biscuits and ham bones by a loud crashing in the kitchen. Forgoing turning on the light he rushed out of their room, sure that they had finally caught there prey. He was not prepared for the still readied traps he fumbled into, having assumed all were set off by the would-be catch.

Kagome woke suddenly at the abrupt feeling of her husband's weight leaving the bed. She groaned as she heard a loud series of crashes, platters, and 'oofs' followed by angry growls. Crawling out of bed she slipped on her robe before walking down the hall into the kitchen, without failing to turn on the light.

There she found a still growling Sesshoumaru. He was tangled in the endless mess of strings that were previously hung about the kitchen as triggers for their booby traps. A bucket of strawberry syrup was hanging tipped off the side of his head, his hair died a pinkish color from the syrup. Whipped-cream was smeared over his cheek and down his night-shirt, and the little bells meant to alarm them if anything entered the room tinkled merrily each time he struggled.

She walked over to him and tried to stifle her giggles. Reaching down she ran a finger over his whipper-cream and syrup covered cheek and licked it off. The way his growls immediately stopped and he turned to glare at her (which was completely ineffective in his current state) shattered her resolve and she crumpled to the ground laughing hysterically.

"At least it tastes better than flypaper," she gasped through her laughs.

She fell to her side, heedless of the syrup staining her robe as she held her sides trying to relieve the giggle induced stitches. From her vantage point on the ground she had a clear view of his back, peeking her teary eyes open she spotted a small rectangular shape. Peeling it off of him she examined it, her change in demeanor drew his attention. Across the top in big bold letters were the words _Disney World_.

"Sesshoumaru, is this yours?" Kagome asked.

Shaking his head he replied, "No."

She hmmed thoughtfully before abruptly standing and exclaiming, "Then the Gnomes must have dropped it!" She brandished the brochure as if it were a sword, swinging it through the sir. She shouted, "A vacation! To Disney World we go!" She then stomped off with purpose to the bedroom to commence packing, leaving Sesshoumaru to find his own way out of his sticky, string prison.


	7. Chapter 7

[Disney World]

The Plane ride sucked. Sesshoumaru never wanted to hear the word turbulence ever again, and if asked would deny that the reason for Kagome's sore hand was because he had been clutching to it with more force than he realized.

Their hotel wasn't so bad. It was on the Disney grounds so there was easy access to the various different parks and there were two pools they could use. If anyone asked Sesshoumaru, he would say the decorating left something to be desired. The halls were done in vibrant reds and blues, some with purples and yellows, and there were Disney characters everywhere. Donald Duck adorned the lobby, Mickey Mouse as well, Goofy behind the front desk. He was sure it would eventually drive him insane.

The morning after they arrived he was awoken by a far too enthusiastic Kagome hovering over his face. She had a giant pair of Mickey Mouse ears on her head and was holding another looking at him expectantly. With much bickering and the threat of putting pictures of him covered in strawberry syrup and tinkling bells online (he didn't know if she really had pictures but he wasn't taking any chances) he agreed to wear the ears for the morning... and absolutely no longer.

Their first stop was Magic Kingdom. Kagome wanted to spend the whole day there, much to Sesshoumaru's dismay. They would start in Fantasy Land and work their way out, trying rides here and there while searching for their Gnomish quarry.

He felt an insistent tug on his hand, pulling his eyes from their wandering over all the bright colors to his wife. Looking in the direction she was pulling him in he was caught in the shadow of a small castle. Big blue letters on a white background said "Snow White's Scary Adventures". Groaning he allowed himself to be pulled along, Kagome was always a sucker for the Princess and Prince Charming stories so he expected to be forced through every ride having anything to do with such.

Through the hour long wait in line for the ride he had developed a tick in his eye. Kagome kept shooting him annoyed glances every time he groaned. And if the sheer wait wasn't long enough if he heard one more kid whine, smelled one more powdered sugar covered funnel cake, or stepped in just ONE MORE piece of chewed up gum... He might just revert to his true form and make a nice snack out of Snow White and her Seven Dwarves. Despite that Kagome might not talk to him for a century or two...

Finally they were allowed into the mine cart shaped cars. Kagome 'oohed' and 'ahed' at the different scenes illuminated by black lights. When they reached the scene of the seven dwarves Sesshoumaru scented something off... something that wasn't present throughout the rest of the ride, but yet oh so unpleasantly familiar. Kagome's gasp as she pointed to something moving among the little dwarf statues cemented his assumption. Their quarry was near!

Finally when the ride set them free Sesshoumaru held tight to Kagome's hand and pulled her through the park while he mulled through the different scents to find that faint trace of Underpants Gnome. He finally found them. Eying their spot warily, they were going to have to enter a ride with spinning teacups. He didn't like spinning, didn't like spinning at all. But revenge was a good motivator, and he wanted his underpants back!

The chase seemed so much less eventful when one had to wait an hour to get onto a ride...

They ran to get into the same teacup as the little gnomes, determined to corner them. Crammed into the little seats the Gnomes started a staring contest with the daiyoukai.

His golden glare seemed to have no effect on the tiny thieves. It was then that he noticed the ride was starting. Feeling a little green about the gills he hid it well and continued his end of their staring contest. But then... the little beasts pulled their trump card.

It was apparently common knowledge dog's didn't like spinning, and also common knowledge to the gnomes that Sesshoumaru was mostly dog. The duo of devious devils grinned impishly and grasped the wheel in the middle of the teacup, the exact wheel that controlled just how much and how fast their teacup spun.

Eyes widening Sesshoumaru shook his head back and forth, the feeling of trepidation crept up on him in that moment. He would allow a truce, if they just didn't spin that wheel!

They didn't listen...

While Kagome laughed and giggled happily and the delightful turns and spins turned the world around them into a colorful blur Sesshoumaru would once again have a high pitched squeal burned into his memory. One he would once again never live down, but this one was in a much more public placeand therefore much more embarassing. He grabbed onto his seat for dear life, shut his eyes tight trying to dispel the images of the spinning world around him, and cried for mommy to make it stop!

The torturous spinning had to have lasted for hours, Sesshoumaru was sure. He sat shaking, shocked, and wide-eyed in his seat. Kagome was shaking his arm telling him the gnomes were going to get away if the didn't give chase!

He stumbled from the ride, nearly tipping as Kagome pulled him over to yet another attraction. He noticed with satisfaction that this one did not spin. Good. "Pooh's Playful Spot" was displayed on a sign that look like old weathered wood and painted by a young boy, probably by the name of Christopher Robin.

They chased the gnomes up trees, through carrot patches, into little houses (poor Eeyore would have to rebuild his again), and past honey filled bee hives. Realizing their chasing tactic was only giving them a good tour of the park they attempted to come up with a new plan. They needed camouflage!

As if the very spirit of Mickey Mouse were on their side they spotted just what they needed. A careless park employee had left a Pooh and Piglet costume laying just out in the open waiting for someone to put them to good use.

Sesshoumaru donned the Pooh bear costume (he wouldn't fit in the other) and Kagome was soon disguised as Piglet. Stealthily the stalked through the expanse of the toddler's playground. But alas! They were foiled again!

The tiny tots roaming around the grounds were ecstatic to see their favorite characters brought to life before their eyes, and rushed forward to hug their plushy idols and beg for autographs. As Sesshoumaru was overrun with little children's body as if he were a walking jungle gym he vowed revenge on the Underpants Gnomes for every indignity he would suffer while seeking them out in this "Disney World".

Much to his chagrin Kagome was ecstatic, the gnomes and her missing underpants forgotten as she hugged and posed with every child and made autographs in what she thought was a very "Pigletty" fashion.

They lost sight of their prey and would have to hunt another day...

Whew that too a bit to write! Thanks for reading ^.^ and thank you guys so much for all of your reviews. Much more to come, I don't plan on letting him out of Disney World for quite a while ;)

I do not own anything affiliated with Disney World and make no profit from including them in my writing.


	8. Chapter 8

One Last Pair

Kagome sat on the floor of their hotel room, kneeling before her suitcase. Nothing in the room was amiss, every brush, lotion bottle, perfume sprayer, and travel guide was exactly as it was before they went to sleep. Or at least.. looked like it was.

While getting ready for another day out in the World of Disney she noticed something off while gathering her clothes. Normally tucked beneath her t-shirts and next to her socks were her underwear, and more than enough pair to get through their 'vacation'. Now she held the very last solitary. A small barely there pair of underwear, and it was the only pair she had.

Closing her eyes in frustration she thought of all the ways she could get back at those gnomes: Orajel in their jelly donuts, mayonnaise in their moisturizer.. if they used it that is, oh and she'd definitely have to do something with flypaper and jelly. Sesshoumaru's gorgeous white locks didn't look very good stained strawberry pink.

Just as she was about to continue glaring at the underpants as if it would make them multiply Sesshoumaru stepped out from the bathroom.

Immaculately dressed as usual, hair straight and combed, but he seemed to be... Walking funny? Every few steps he would shift his hips and wiggle as if trying to get his pants to fit more comfortably. Then a thought hit her..

"They got ALL of yours?" She asked wide-eyed.

The strange way his gaze fell on her very last pair of underwear made her want to clutch them to her chest and growl _mine_ so she placed her hand on them to hide them. His nod told her he must be going commando. Maybe the gnomes were getting back at him for his vehemence in capturing one of them by taking all of his rather than being gracious and leaving him one pair.

A strange gust passed her and fluttered her hair. She checked to see if the window was open. Nope.. And as she lifted her hand that was previously hiding her last pair of underwear , to scratch her head in confusion, she noticed something missing.. and the missing husband.. and the closed bathroom door...

"Sesshoumaru! You give those back right now!" Tiny fists pounded on the bathroom door.

Out he stepped again, looking rather proud of himself and no longer walking funny. The look on his face screamed _Try and take them_ and Kagome knew she couldn't.

She stomped off into the bathroom with all her clothes and bathing supplies _minus_ her underpants. The whole way grumbling about stupid youkai, stupid youkai speed, and stupid-probably-some-kind-of-youkai-underpants gnomes.


End file.
